Who's the love of your life?

Whatever happens, whatever you do, whoever you meet, the only certainty you have in life is that the person you will spend the rest of your life with is you. The time of desperately searching for your other half is over - now, fortunately, it's time to make the most of ourselves.

By Perra de Satán

"I can buy myself flowers!"

Miley Cyrus' "Flowers" will not only go down in music history as one of the American singer's greatest hits, but also as one of the greatest hymns for self love.

For centuries - which sounds hyperbolic, but it really has been hundreds of years - part of a woman's education consisted of preparing herself to be a good wife, first, and a good mother, later. It was taken for granted that girls were born to serve: their parents, their husband, and their children. For this to seem like a woman's own desire and not a social imposition, romantic love narratives were created, stories of women whose only purpose in life is to find the right person (if it is a prince, all the better), eat partridges, and live happily ever after. As simple as that.

In fiction, these stories always work. In reality, not so much. Focusing your whole life on the search for "the other half" that will allow you to be complete can lead not only to disappointment and frustration, but to feelings of dissatisfaction and apathy, deterioration of the self-esteem, feelings of not being enough, guilt and even shame.

But we shouldn't be naïve. We are not going to destroy romantic love narratives forever with a snap of the fingers, as it is a myth deeply rooted in our culture (remember that it has been nurtured for centuries). But what we can do is change the focus toward which we direct our love: love yourself!

What is Self Love?

There are very complex definitions of what self love actually means out there, but they can also be quite difficult to understand. It is a concept from the field of psychology, related to self-esteem and self-perception. Lack of self-esteem or low self-esteem is related to certain problems that affect us on an emotional level, such as insecurities, complexes, difficulties in achieving your goals or in relating to others.

To put it simply, self love is the love that you have for yourself, the value you give yourself, the way you respect and take care of yourself, the time you dedicate to get to know yourself, to satisfy your needs and how you prioritize yourself in certain situations.

As self love is nothing like romantic love, this isn't about intensities, sacrifices, blind follies or loving yourself with the strength of the seas and the impetus of the wind; the idea is more to understand who you are, what your desires are, where you need to set boundaries, and live by that.

Although buying a bouquet of flowers for yourself or treating yourself to whatever you feel like is a nice way to celebrate self love, you have to go beyond that. Small details are nice, but self love is built on commitment to yourself and self-confidence; knowing that you will not let yourself down, that you will always pull through and that you will not put yourself in situations you don't want to be in.

Invest the same energy, effort and money you would use to win over anyone else in winning yourself. Of course you do not have to dedicate yourself exclusively to self love, you should also care for and about your loved ones if they need it, but don't waste time chasing people who are not good for you.

Watch out: Summer traps!

Especially in summer, self love is a huge topic - for everyone, really, but even moreso for women. Magazines showcasing the perfect bikini body, online fitness coaches urging you to get ready for summer, and instagram influencers editing the f*** out of their photos to meet these unrealistic beauty standards. Exposed skin can feel like a target area then, free to be hit by everybody's judgement. And lovebirds at the beach, being all lovey-dovey can make you feel lonelier than you actually are.

Here's some things to keep in mind:

Beauty comes in many different ways.
Most of what the media portrays as the standard is anything but that, and should not serve as a benchmark.
You can have an abundance of love in your life without being romantically involved with someone.
Platonic relationships deserve just as much care and appreciation as others.
There's no such thing as a "beach body", just a sand-tastic you! (I am so sorry)

"You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you!"

In the field of self love there are also some traps. Surely you have heard the phrase that if you don't know how to love yourself you can't be able to love anyone else, or that if you don't love yourself first no one will love you. That is a lie.

That you, at this moment in your life, have a damaged sense of self love or low self-esteem does not mean that you cannot love other people or receive their love. It only means that, at this moment, you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship with yourself, have become destabilised or are suffering the consequences of the actions of others.

No human relationship is linear nor progressively better, so neither is the relationship you have with yourself. In addition, we must also take into account that we learn to relate to other people and to ourselves by imitating what we see around us, and not all people have been able to grow or live in loving and respectful relationships. Seeing this can also influence the way we see ourselves.

One may not know how to love oneself. Because although there are thousands of stories about women who fell madly in love with a man in a matter of hours, there are hardly any stories about women who stood up and said: I'm on my own and I'll take care of my needs without resorting to anyone! Listening to Flowers might be a good way to start.

Reading this fascinating article by Beatriz or better known as "Perra de Satán" about self love, what's your relationship to yourself like? Do you think it is necessary to have a person to develop that inner flame? Share in the forum!