Is polyamory right for you? Real-life couple Poppy and Estella share over 15 years of non-monogamy experience between them, having explored swinging, kink, open relationships, and polyamory throughout their adult lives. So they're the right ones to ask! Discover their Do's and Don'ts for a happy and successful polyamorous relationship, and watch their livestream to learn even more.
By Estella Bathory and Poppy Scarlett
We're Estella Bathory and Poppy Scarlett - an award winning Pornstar and a leading Sex Educator, non-monogamy content creator and Professional Oversharer. We're also in a polyamorous relationship with each other and have many years of experience in navigating non-monogamy. Recently we did a livestream on JOYclub to discuss your burning questions and hot topics about our 'unconventional' relationship style and how you can experience or develop your own polyamory. The beauty of it is - it looks different to everyone.
✅ DO
☆ Communicate
The golden rule of any relationship is communication, and in polyamory when you're dealing with multiple partners, complicated feelings, and an unconventional lifestyle – communicating is a crucial skill to have in your arsenal.
Asserting your needs can feel scary and vulnerable, but it's the only way you can ensure that they're heard. Like everything, it gets easier with practice! It can feel unnatural to radically express ourselves. However, I honestly believe that every relationship in our lives can benefit from more communication instead of festering resentment. Relationship skills take practice and there are plenty of resources out there to help you develop them, in the form of workshops and classes from polyamory educators and books about communication and non-monogmay – two of our favourites are Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and Polysecure by Jessica Fern.
☆ Own your shit
Talking your emotions and needs through with partners, friends and anyone in your life is extremely valuable - but so is self-reflection. Ultimately, you are responsible for managing your emotions and being emotionally robust through reading, therapy and self-care as well as your support network.
☆ Schedule
Love is not a finite resource, but time is, so getting yourself organised is super important.
Scheduling is essential for effective polyamory - otherwise how on earth do you expect to see your partners, your friends, and have time for yourself?! We recently made our first shared Google calendar (a rite of passage for all Polyamorous people) and while the set-up was a learning curve, having that visibility in place has helped a lot. Some friends of mine use the analogue method of a wall calendar, but that's probably more useful if you're co-habiting. We don't (Estella lives alone and Poppy lives with her other partner) so the immediacy of the digital method suits us well - plus, we do everything on our phones.
VIDEO: Polyamory Q&A with Estella & Poppy
❌ DON'T
☆ Be scared to rebel
Going against tradition in any way can feel unnatural - our learned behaviours might be to bottle up our emotions, feel guilt or jealousy, or expect people to read our minds. Our learned traditions may be to pursue a nuclear family and live a conventional lifestyle. In order to live the life we want to live, we must put in the work. Polyamory feels natural to me - but that doesn't mean that it doesn't require growth and difficult conversations.
☆ Isolate yourself
When starting out in a new relationship style it’s useful to have people around you with shared experiences. Exploring non-monogamy for the first time you’re bound to experience many firsts, and surrounding yourself with people who have been through the ringer already can be incredibly affirming. If you’re not sure where to start, use a platform like JOYclub to find socials and meet-ups or to chat to individuals to start to build your own community.
If you can handle owning your shit and a hell of a lot of scheduling, embracing your lifestyle choices is one of the most healing and empowering things you can do for yourself.
Do you have any experience with polyamory or are you curious to explore a polyamorous lifestyle? Let us know in the forum!
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- With over 5 million members, JOYclub is a lively, sex-positive community that will turn your love life completely upside down.
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- Curious? Then register for free and without obligation and discover the fascinating world of JOYclub. We are looking forward to meeting you!
