A cuckquean is simply the female counterpart of a cuckold – a woman who enjoys it when her partner sleeps with another woman. Or so I thought. There’s more to it. Three cuckquean couples explained to me what they actually do. And it made me wonder if that could be an option for me.
Author: Alex Todorov
Relationships can be more
I’m in my mid-thirties, in an open relationship. A one-sided open relationship. Fortunately, the open end is mine. There’s no social agenda behind it that views committed relationships as possessions or anything like that. It’s simply a modus vivendi to accommodate asymmetrical needs. For those who don’t know: most open relationships are born out of necessity.
When the topic of ‘cuckquean’ came up, the mental leap from my own relationship model to cuckqueaning was therefore short. My initial questions were simple:
- How exactly does a cuckquean relationship work?
- What’s remarkable about a woman enjoying watching her partner sleep with another woman? After all, similar scenarios arise in swinging or mansharing.
- And most importantly, a thought experiment packaged into a question intrigued me: Would this be something for me? Can I imagine an intense cuckquean relationship against the backdrop of my own polyamorous experiences? Quite fundamentally, irrespective of my current relationship.
My first insights came from a conversation with the JOYclub couple crazyones. Here, a central point became clear to me, which distinguishes such a partnership from, for instance, mansharing and swinging: the willingness to incorporate a third person – a regular house friend – into the relationship life and daily relationship routine. This was a surprise to me because I had always perceived cuckolding/cuckqueaning as merely a sexual variation, not as a model that shapes a relationship so comprehensively beyond the sexual aspect."
The relationship of the crazyones with a steady house friend looks something like this:
The house friend is as close to him as a partner. She has the key to the flat, they go shopping and eating out together, celebrate birthdays and Christmas together. There are some peculiar behaviours: when they go out together, he often holds the house friend’s hand rather than his partner’s. He even introduced himself to the house friend’s parents as her boyfriend.
Besides the crazyones, the JOYclub couples cori_celesti and dark_love answered my – occasionally puzzled – questions. This much knowledge must be shared. Let’s get started.
What is the difference between cuckqueans and cuckolds?
Those men who watched too many cuckold porn clips in the late noughties, raise your hand. Thought so. With this extensive prior knowledge, it was easy for me to draw skewed conclusions about what a cuckquean is. Now I am wiser. It wasn’t hard. To explain the difference between cuckolds and cuckqueans, I would like to share this well-worn joke:
Why do women always watch porn until the end? – Because they think the couple might still get married at the end.
Classic cuckold relationships are straightforward. They focus on the sexual act. A man sleeps with another man’s wife, and the cuckold derives pleasure from this. To return to the joke: cuckolds don’t watch the porn until the end, only to the point that serves their purpose.
And cuckqueans? For them, the pleasure in the act is also important, but the focus rests on a relationship beyond sex. Ideally, the three-way relationship with the house friend takes on a firm form, bringing with it a degree of mutual commitment and closeness. Cuckqueans don’t just watch the porn until the end; they even read the credits!
Another difference: the pleasure from jealousy and humiliation, still described by cuckolds when their own wife is pleased by a better-endowed or more sexually creative man, is almost absent with cuckqueans. Their driving force is generosity and the pleasure in their partner’s pleasure.
That said, cuckolding does not exclude generosity, nor does cuckqueaning exclude the element of pleasurable humiliation.
Mansharing refers to the practice when women share their men sexually with other women. Two points distinguish cuckqueaning from mansharing:
- Firstly, active participation in the proceedings plays, if at all, only a minor role in cuckqueaning. When practised intensively, the cuckquean’s passivity, her watching, is a key element. Here, it follows the same principle as cuckolding, where the cuckold also does not intervene.
Is a cuckquean relationship an accident?
What backgrounds do couples who have a cuckquean relationship have? From what experiences have they developed the relationship? What prompted them to experiment in this direction? Is it the familiar crisis in love, a relationship that opened up to save itself?
dark_love: A meeting with a mutual friend gave them the initial impulse. When he had sex with the friend, she felt a new kind of arousal from watching. This feeling solidified over time. Her bisexual inclination heightened her receptiveness to this stimulus. After about seven years of being together, it smoothly transitioned into a cuckquean relationship about six years ago.
crazyones: She, also with a bisexual streak, noticed her enjoyment of watching during a FFM threesome with her former boyfriend in her youth. Years of experimentation followed. Only with her current partner did a constellation arise that transferred this voyeuristic pleasure into a secure relationship framework. They have been a couple for four years and have been practising it for about three years.
Two significant factors come into play with them: he is polyamorous, she asexual. Between the two, there is now neither cuddling nor sex. The last time they had sex together? – 10 August 2015. Living out the cuckqueaning has deepened both their tendencies – the polyamory and the asexuality.
cori_celesti: The two were already active swingers for over ten years – from threesomes with a second man to partner swapping. They met a couple through JOYclub, initially limiting contact to the men and a shared interest in sports. Shortly before a meeting on this topic, cori_celesti’s hotman received an unequivocal message from the other couple’s man:
"My wife has no objection to you visiting. However, she wants you to know that you will only be allowed into the house if you fuck her."
After initial confusion, cori_celesti's cuckquean persuaded her partner to go. It paid off for both:
"When he came back, he had to tell me every detail of how the evening went. These stories excited me so much that I immediately devoured him again."
This experience, along with their trust-building swinger experiences, became the foundation of their cuckquean relationship.
What I notice: cuckqueaning usually arises from long-term relationships. The backgrounds are diverse. It can result from unequal desire, as in the case of the crazyones. Often, other tendencies play a role, such as a cuckquean's bisexual inclination or a hotman's polyamorous feeling. Since a dash of polyamory was also splashed onto my character plate at birth, a warm feeling washes over my insides at this information.
Men’s Dream: A Cuckquean Relationship?
Honestly, on the surface, cuckqueaning is a man’s fantasy come to life. A man whose girlfriend allows him to sleep with other women and even gets pleasure from it? Well, if it must be. Just as I sink into the sweetest hotman dreams, the three couples interviewed crash my fresh future plans with firm objections. Independently, they emphasize that hotmen must bring a healthy self- and relationship-understanding for a cuckquean relationship to work long-term.
Cuckquean from dark_love: "It requires the ability to differentiate, honesty, and empathy. Because in something like this, it is important to pay attention to the partner's feelings."
Hotmen are faithful souls. The undisputed number one remains the cuckquean. To not undermine this relationship, to not be emotionally swept away by sex with another woman, alongside clear rules and a fundamental need for loyalty, a certain maturity is beneficial.
Cuckquean from cori_celesti: "In our case, it only works because he is very sensitive in everything he does. He pays close attention to my signals and would immediately stop if he felt he was hurting me. I also need to completely trust him to give him all the freedom with other women."
Men who flirt with this relationship model just to sleep with different women without consequences lack any hotman suitability. A cuckquean relationship always stems from the woman – without her pleasure in watching, there is no cuckquean relationship.
Cuckquean from crazyones: "My husband is not a big womanizer; it took him a while to get used to having sex with others."
This quote softens me up. It smells of the painfully familiar problem: monogamy is great. As long as it works. It gets nasty when you love someone, and expectations and demands do not align.
Why would a woman want to become a house mate?
Having to share a man, always being number two, not even being able to think about family planning despite such a close bond – gently put, that does not sound like the women who have crossed my path. So what makes it attractive for women to be a playmate or house friend? I ask a former house friend:
"One advantage is that you have not just one wonderful person, but two. And a very big plus for me personally is that I do not come first. With normal relationships, be it with a man or a woman, I felt trapped and uncomfortable. That's not the case with this type of relationship."
So where lies the appeal? The responses from the interviewed house friends point to a mixture of closeness and distance. On one hand, such a relationship offers adventure and non-commitment; on the other hand, it still comes with a degree of closeness and warmth beyond that of a one-night stand. If everyone abides by the rules and does well with it, such a relationship allows playmates an "affair" with few risks. Plus, an intimacy that exceeds that of a typical affair.
That makes sense. And it sounds a bit like a sales pitch for cuckqueaning relationships. Or a search for new house friends. Finding a woman who fits this bill is difficult. Especially steady house friends are rare. Being a house friend often aligns with a phase in life where women want to experiment and let loose.
As my research quickly made clear, the topic of "cuckquean" raises some pulses among the uninformed. The spectrum of rejection ranges from fundamental doubts about the inclination's existence to the impulse to rescue the house friends. It is quickly overlooked: The women voluntarily enter such a constellation – and leave it when they feel like returning to a conventional pair relationship. There may be strict boundaries and rules within a cuckquean relationship, but the term "house slave" belongs to another time and context, dear critics and doubters.
Play or Lifestyle – How Does a Cuckquean Relationship Work?
Cuckqueaning exists in many forms. It can be lived more intensely or more reservedly or mixed with quirks and other fetishes. That almost reminds me of conventional relationships, doesn't it? As a hotman-to-be, I wanted to delve deeper into the relationship mechanics of the three couples along selected questions.
Where do they meet Playmates?
cori_celesti exclusively meet their third member through JOYclub – despite members' reservations:
Cuckquean from cori_celesti: "When he applies for a date seeking a single man, it is immediately assumed that I do not exist."
Even mentioning cuckqueaning often doesn't help. The knowledge of it is lacking. crazyones and dark_love, on the other hand, find playmates and prospective house friends primarily in everyday life. Where?
Hotman from crazyones: "Actually in real life. Be it in a club, at a café, on public transport, at petrol stations, or just on the open street. Sometimes I approach them, sometimes the cuckquean does."
The thought of having my partner as a pick-up accomplice by my side becomes my best friend for a moment. A wingwoman, so to speak. A double agent who knows all the weak spots of the opposing defense. I try not to think of Mata Hari. I fail. I find it hot.
What do they look for in potential house mates?
What do the couples look for besides physical attraction? What criteria matter regarding a steady house friend? After all, it gets closer, and friction can quickly arise.
dark_love do not go so far as to practice cuckqueaning as a triangle or parallel relationship. Their closeness spectrum with a playmate ranges from mere sex to (good) acquaintance to friendship.
Nonetheless, it holds: Sex may play an important part. But the question is: Do we also enjoy doing things outside the sexual frame with this person?
Cuckquean from crazyones: "She can be a bit adventurous. The whole thing should not just be about shagging but a part of our relationship, with everything that entails."
It makes sense and is still surprising: If you want a steady house friend, you seek – to exaggerate – a second partner. So, it's only consistent that those soft factors take a leading role that are also crucial in a close friendship or partnership. I wonder: Doesn’t that make everything much more complicated?
Why Prefer a Steady House Friend to "Just" a Playmate?
What are the advantages of a steady house friend compared to a relationship with a playmate?
cori_celesti: "You simply know who you're dealing with and can enjoy various things much more relaxed. Trust in the other person also plays a big role."
Cuckquean from crazyones: "You can build on things; it’s much nicer and more familiar. You can have one-night stands, but a confidant who practically forms a unit with my man is much more intense and appealing."
That was quick. Next point.
What turns a cuckquean on?
Of course, watching. What a surprise. Some cuckqueans are satisfied with the audio when they listen to the lovemaking through a closed door or sit in the room with their eyes covered. Or a subsequent recounting triggers the mental cinema, provided the hotman went alone to a meeting. The visual stimulus remains the most common.
Cuckquean from dark_love: "I like to see my man and another woman, also attractive to me, experiencing pleasure and having lustful sex. The most beautiful is the climax of both."
It is the generosity, enjoyment, and indulgence, the fulfillment through the partner's sensual well-being.
Cuckquean from cori_celesti: "I enjoy watching him have fun with the other woman. Seeing him happy and satisfied at that moment. Or hearing about it later."
In the case of the cuckquean from crazyones, there is a special note:
"Since I am physically asexual and have nothing physical with him, I am pleased to see him cuddling with another, kissing her, having sex with her, and all that he misses with me."
If the couples are sexually active together, their cuckquean experiences invigorate their two-person lovemaking.
Cuckquean from cori_celesti: "In recent months, he has discovered his dominant side more strongly, and we incorporate that into our lovemaking."
What taboos apply?
One taboo – besides the exotic idea of cuckolding – most cuckquean couples agree on: The house friend must know and accept her limits and roles within the relationship structure:
Cuckquean from crazyones: "There is only one situation where I become furious: when a friend thinks she can steal my man away. Some have said things like, 'Break up with her; you get what you want with me.' An absolute no-go."
As absolutely out of place in such a threesome, dark_love name an "emotional bond that goes beyond a close friendship."
Hotman from cori_celesti: "It is very important to me when choosing a playmate that she respects our core relationship one hundred percent."
Poor house mate, I hear the crowd mutter again, how she's tormented and oppressed! Folks, haven't we settled this?
Live out a cuckquean relationship openly?
Your own cuckquean relationship isn't exactly one of those topics you discuss casually at the family Christmas table or among colleagues. Not that the seven-year-old niece or the tactless colleague with the oversized tie asks one of those horribly blunt questions that aren't really questions but statements. The potential for awkward explanations is high. Accordingly, the couples are cautious:
cori_celesti: "Only a few close confidants know that we live out this side. We try to keep it secret from most people in our environment. Unfortunately, acceptance for my inclination is still not very widespread."
Even those who see it as an essential part of their personality are not immune to misunderstanding and accusations. How do employers or the social context react? All three couples interviewed recount concentrated mistrust and targeted hostility they and other cuckis – as cuckqueans and cuckolds call themselves – face. The accusation is mostly directed at the man; he is seen as exploiting the woman, glossing over his infidelity with a trendy term. Nonetheless, crazyones practice it as openly as they believe they can without fearing backlash:
crazyones: "For us, it is not a kink but a lifestyle. Our families know how we tick, as does our circle of friends. It is accepted because we are simply who we are. Only at work is the topic handled discreetly."
Based on my experiences, I dare to claim: Neither privately nor professionally would I face obstacles that would cause me problems. Nevertheless, I would not shout it from the rooftops. Well, I would definitely write about it. But that's just a small bell, right?
A cuckquean relationship is a delicate plant
What do I take away? For such a relationship to work, all involved must have certain predispositions: the cuckquean must enjoy watching, have a distance from feelings of jealousy, and possess an active (bi)sexual empathy, the hotman must have a strong sense of fidelity and a clear self-understanding, and the house friend must desire warmth and at the same time a casual approach to relationships.
The crux, as I understand it, is the third person. No one comes without baggage. Even two-person relationships are tricky. Cuckquean relationships are small, human-built works of art. Emotional balancing acts in treacherous winds. Or Jenga towers from which not a single piece can be removed.
So? Could I imagine a cuckquean relationship for myself?
My hypothetical starting question was: Can I imagine a cuckquean relationship based on my experiences in an open and polyamorous relationship? What I know: Many decisions in matters of love are not made because one freely decides. Circumstances lead to decisions (and then pretend you made them freely).
The relationship is rocky? You can always break up. Why not see if other relationship models can smooth out the rough patches first? Thus, some relationships open up out of deep love. I am a monogamous person at heart. Otherwise, I wouldn't be in an open relationship. High dialectics, my friends!
So, is cuckqueaning a relationship smoother? If you don't have the character traits required, definitely not! You also don't start BDSM just because there's a crisis. Intensive cuckqueaning (with a steady house friend) isn't something you do on a whim. The stars need to align perfectly for it to go smoothly.
Am I Hotman material?
Do I have the necessary hotman ingredients? I lived in a polyamorous threesome. I was the link because I loved both women. The threesome painfully unravelled due to differing expectations. The question each of us should have asked beforehand: Do you want another person with emotional needs in the relationship boat, which is already so cramped? Where you constantly have to cling to the railing so you don't get swept overboard by a wave of crisis?
This is why cuckquean relationships are strictly hierarchical. The core relationship always takes top priority. In this regard, I have serious doubts about my hotman suitability. If I choose the house friend based on partner-like criteria that go far beyond the physical, how sure can I be that I will always see her as number two? Even if I love the cuckquean deeply. I hear the cuckquean from cori_celesti whispering a solution in my ear:
"Talk, talk, talk. Honesty. Openness. Trust. Respect. Consideration even in the small things. Understanding."
"Damn," I think at this point. Honesty is a great invention. But can it counter, cushion, or catch feelings as they develop?
Come to the dark side, we have Cuckis here!
Oh, I'd really like to. But sleeping with another woman and telling my partner about it (or letting her watch) is the easiest part of the whole thing. That I can do. What I can't imagine: Always balancing attention between the two women and ensuring that the fragile balance is maintained – both within the relationship structure and within myself. Managing feelings with such close proximity? Hats off to the hotmen! My prospects of a future as a hotman are dim. I don't trust myself.
A big thank you to all three couples! For their openness and patience. Sorry, I guess I won't be one of you.
Editor's note: The types of cuckquean relationships described here, of course, do not cover the entire spectrum.
JOYclub: What is that?
- With over 5 million members, JOYclub is a lively, sex-positive community that will turn your love life completely upside down.
- Whether you're male, female, trans, single or a couple, JOYclub is the place to discover and live out your erotic fantasies with other members (with your partner, if you like).
- Curious? Then register for free and without obligation and discover the fascinating JOYclub world. We are looking forward to meeting you!
