BDSM can mean many different things to many different people. If you're using BDSM as a spiritual practice, it's crucial to be completely devoted to it. Let Paulina guide you through the steps of how to take your BDSM play to the next level!
By PriestessPow
"My name is Paulina Tenner, I’m a sex positive community leader and a pro domme working in East London. I’m passionate about empowering humans to go on deeper explorations of parts of themselves that feel erotic, transgressive (if that’s what you want) and exciting as hell 🔥 If you’re interested in a session of this kind, DM me."
The way I like to relate to this is the following: whether you’re the sub or the dom, the portals to most exquisite BDSM experiences come when you are truly and unconditionally of service to that which is more powerful than you. The sub is in service of the dom. However, the dom’s role isn’t really to indulge in their desires unapologetically but to hold space for the sub - take them on a journey where they can truly surrender and perhaps even touch an uncharted territory within themselves. An experienced BDSM space holder on the London scene who inspires me speaks of this phenomenon as being the benevolent king or queen (or non binary royalty, if you wish!) who lovingly, no matter whether the flavour of your play is subtle or strict, rough and fiery, guides the sub through the realm of their inner experience. In this way the dom is of service to something bigger than themselves too, and you can frame it as sub’s safety, development and welfare.
Personally I’m even more explicit about what it is that I serve in my sessions. All of my pro work has ritualistic flavour and in the dungeon I show up as a Priestess. The sub serves me, I serve the Higher Powers (however the sub wants to understand those). The order of power is established. And it also helps me keep my ego in check - while, like just about anyone else, I love having my desires indulged, I remember that ultimately my subs don’t worship me, they worship that which I represent to them (such as beauty, radiance, owned but humble power and more). They may see a reflection of it in me but ultimately it is way beyond me.
So if you want to be an exquisite dom and enter truly powerful and transformative experiences with your sub...
- take ownership of your power and therefore full responsibility for how well the scene is set up and run: establish how your sub is doing in their physical and emotional body plus keep checking with them (verbally or not) throughout the scene
- get to know your sub and their sweet (and sore) spots, also psychologically speaking so that you are able to take them to utmost levels of surrender and delight while staying in a space of safety
- keep your focus and attention on the sub at all times, make your sub and their experience moment to moment your meditation; it’s the quality of presence way above all else (such as technique or ingenuity) that makes for a truly magnificent - as opposed to mediocre - dom
- stay in touch with the authentic flavour of power that’s present in you on a given occasion (as opposed to acting anything out for the benefit of the situation, that’s where you lose your presence and connection to the scene)
- while playing to your sub’s desires, preferences and kinks, stay in touch with what pleases you at all times, the moment you start doing anything solely because you know/think the sub will like it (as opposed to because it thrills you), the scene will lose energy and flow which comes from the beauty of established power dynamics
- tap into the momentum and unique timing of the scene, gradually build up the energy taking it to its peak and then taking ample time for nurturing aftercare to help the sub integrate what they’ve experienced and come back from an expanded state
- have reverence for your sub’s vulnerability, their pleasure, pain and all sorts of unique flavours of deep human experience as it unfolds in front of you; it is nothing short of privilege to be able to hold and witness their experience.
If you’re looking to deepen your experiences of surrender as a sub, access exponential healing potential and/or add devotional element to your BDSM play, you may find it helpful to...
- surrender only to those who you authentically admire for something they represent to you; this goes way deeper than physical attraction or a good match in terms of preferred kinks and fetishes (which isn’t to say the latter isn’t quite lovely and helpful to create a truly electric scene)
- become conscious of what you’re looking for, deep down, from your experiences, and communicate that to your dom, choosing those with level of experience and space holding capacity who are able to help you access whatever you’re looking to connect with within yourself
- whatever happens in the scene or overall dynamic with your dom, stay rooted in the place of inner authority as only from that place you can surrender in a way which is transformational and healing; this means being radical in putting your journey with a given dom on pause, or completely breaking it off, if you feel your dom isn’t coming from a place which feels ultimately benevolent and beautiful (even if they’re super strict with you!) or what they do doesn’t help you to surrender
- drop into a place of total service (even “slavery”, if you like that flavour), worship and devotion within you, adore the dom and do you utmost to please them with total authenticity and innocence
- gauge carefully (and keep checking in with yourself) what levels of discomfort, pain or difficulty are expansive and help take you to new territories of consciousness as opposed to taking you that little bit too far and into contraction; ideally your dom helps you expand your window of tolerance to a whole range of physical, emotional and energetic experiences in every session but it’s up to you to stay in touch with your boundaries and guide them how to do this in a way that’s not just tolerable but optimal
- if it feels comfortable enough, imagine your dom as an embodiment of a deity, quality or spiritual principle you feel is worth being in reverence to (you can either disclose this to them or keep it to yourself!); by worshipping your dom in this way, you’re in devotion to something much bigger and more beautiful than them alone
Conclusion
BDSM play (and dom/sub type of relating) mean many things to many different people. It could well be a way to escape harsh/mundane reality of everyday life. It could be a way to channel your edgy, wild, adrenaline and adventure loving side or perhaps parts of you that aren’t quite accepted in your regular relating. While that’s a valid way to engage with the kink world, practice and community, BDSM play can also mean a whole lot more. It can actually become a means for self exploration and transformation. A way to access exquisite depths of intimacy, first with your own experience of life and reality, second with other humans you play with. And the flavours of kink related play are virtually limitless, ranging from dark, radical and serious through to primal, playful, deeply joyful and lighthearted, all the way to transcendental. That’s why I love it.
Another beautiful bonus is the nature of BDSM fraternity, which can actually feel like a church of human beauty and vulnerability of sorts. If you are or were a part of a community of kink practitioners of any kind you might have noticed a tribe like feel to it - things like social status and external marks of success (at least how it tends to be perceived by society) hardly matter, if at all. That’s why kink communities often feel like families, friendly and supportive, regardless of social status, age, race or body type of its members. Even when firmly in our dom/sub, master/slave roles, underneath it we are all equals, united by the same desire. A desire which is, in my books, fundamentally spiritual and completely congruent with the essential nature of our humanity.
So, next time you don your favourite latex or leather costume on and grab that whip (or collar), take a moment to reflect on what it is you would like to worship in your session, even if you don’t have many words for it. Perhaps it’s just a felt sense, something that you deep down know is true even though you can’t grasp it with your mind. You may be surprised what doors open in your kinky interactions with that attitude. Whatever happens, I wish you plenty of BDSM inspired experiences taking you places which are deeper, more profound and joyful than you ever imagined possible ✨
JOYclub: What is that?
- With over 5 million members, JOYclub is a lively, sex-positive community that will turn your love life completely upside down.
- Whether you're male, female, trans, single or a couple, JOYclub is the place to discover and live out your erotic fantasies with other members (with your partner, if you like).
- Curious? Then register for free and without obligation and discover the fascinating JOYclub world. We are looking forward to meeting you!
