BDSM is a popular practice for many reasons. But did you know that, next to the sexual side of it, some people also practice it with a spiritual and almost therapeutic approach? Let Paulina tell you her story of discovering the dfferent sides to BDSM!
By PriestessPow
"My name is Paulina Tenner, I’m a sex positive community leader and a pro domme working in East London. I’m passionate about empowering humans to go on deeper explorations of parts of themselves that feel erotic, transgressive (if that’s what you want) and exciting as hell 🔥 If you’re interested in a session of this kind, DM me."
Trigger warning:
This article points to trauma and severe eating disorder (discussed in explicit detail) in the context of healing.
BDSM has got an interesting mass audience rep which is one of the reasons people are drawn to start exploring it (including me, several years ago). When I first encountered kink and fetish themed clubs and events I used to see it purely as something rather theatrical, naughty and transgressive. Since I’ve always had a knack for transgressive and edgy things which might have been “too much” for some of my friends, I dove right in without hesitation. What I saw during my first encounters with BDSM in clubs reaffirmed my initial judgement - I saw this type of play as cool and interesting, but sort of “empty” or devoid of deeper meaning I’d been searching for in my sexual explorations. Sort of harmless, naughty fun with not that much more to it. “Perhaps I’m just not that kinky”, I thought to myself. I couldn’t have been further away from the truth.
My friend Charlie and our BDSM journey together
One encounter with a friend, who later became a BDSM lover, changed my mind forever. Charlie and I developed a strange and beautiful connection. Him, his girlfriend and I met at a festival or event of some sort and really hit it off (even though nothing sexual happened between us). Charlie and I met several times after and developed this weird and wonderful ritual whereby he would pass on an embodied gift from his girlfriend to me, using him as a medium of sorts. I would then pass a gift back to her to be delivered by him or do a ritual with him meant for her or according to her intentions.
There was a time once when Charlie’s girlfriend intended to send me a human gift/offering in the shape of Charlie’s unconditional service available to me within any guise I considered appropriate. While I completely loved the idea, I didn’t feel I knew him all that well to start demanding audacious or edgy things. Plus, back then I didn’t feel BDSM held that much promise or significance for me anyway. Little did I know this mindset was about to shift completely. We proceeded with some kind of stereotypical “goddess experience” with Charlie giving me a sensual massage and venerating my body. It’s just that his heart wasn’t in it, and after the experience turned into “we’re both doing something we feel we should be doing but it doesn’t actually work for either of us” territory, I broke it all off. I simply asked him what was going on and where he was really at, attention wise. In response he asked my permission to tell me what to do, which I granted, and suddenly he shifted from more or less absent/going through the motions to 200% present, then and there, with me.
He treaded carefully at first and wanted me to adopt some positions and do some vaguely kinky things. This quickly became not quite enough as the energy between us intensified. Soon I started to want more and more edgy things and discovered it was rather exciting to dom him into domming me into things. At some point I said “I want you to make me vomit with your cock” and his eyes lit up.
Taking control of my own trauma
He was definitely up for giving it a good go and so he did, even though we never actually got there (for all I can remember I’d eaten very lightly that day which didn’t make it easier for him). And then a powerful, and painful memory flashed in. I’m 16 and deeply bulimic, squatting over a toilet to purge yet another unneeded feast. Unbeknownst to this my dad walks in and, shocked, swiftly backs out. Just before he does though he shoots me a look of half helplessness, half horror or disgust, which I end up storing at the edges of my consciousness for decades to come. In this moment with Charlie that memory suddenly comes into full view and I shudder. I remember how disgusting and unworthy I felt as a woman, witnessed by a man in that moment. Something that would later on somehow feature, on a deep subconscious level, in my relating with men in general. But virtually, a moment later something else occurs to me: I may be about to vomit in a presence of a man once again, but this time it’s radically different. This is sexy, edgy, I’m clearly wanted by the man who is with me, and we both want to experience this together. Wow. I’m sort of in the past but also in the present, an eternal moment connecting both, and I have the opportunity to rewrite what happened, inject it with an entirely different kind of energy.
None of us wanted to create such an experience intentionally. Fortunately, it turned out beautifully and remains one of those defining moments I’ll probably never forget. However, it’s important to say that BDSM play engaged with on a level of deeply held trauma is risky and delicate and I wouldn’t recommend going into it unless you’re a very experienced dom or working with one you trust as a sub. When it comes to my approach to BDSM though, ever since that evening with Charlie I simply couldn’t unsee the tremendous healing and transformational power of BDSM and only wanted to explore it further. That led me down the route of different encounters with all sorts of beings, some quite sexual in nature and some not at all. I also became a pro domme, serving those who were interested in the consciousness expansion aspect of kink and exploring places within themselves they never before visited.
At one point I had a “slave” whom I would tell when he was allowed to ejaculate in his private life and how to send the Life Force energy produced (consensually of course) towards my intentions. I still have a wonderful femme servant who regularly delivers me beautiful home cooked meals as her personal means of devotion to that which I represent (or am a conduit for) to her. Because of this, some clients who approached me with a degree of reverence, and Queendom (a ritualistic femdom experience) workshops I started to run, that devotional aspect of BDSM started to really hit home for me.
I firmly believe that as humans we are incomplete (and will never be able to attain our highest potential) if we don’t develop our devotional life. Simply put, this is about nurturing a worshipful relationship with that which is bigger than our individual selves, however we choose to understand it. For many of us meditation, prayer, ritual and more structured spiritual practices of all kinds help achieve that aim. Quite a few people in my life don’t believe in that though and find a way to exercise their devotional side for example in nature, taking walks in forests or in the mountains, wild swimming, horse riding or working with animals/land and feeling connected to supreme consciousness in this way. Many of us (myself included) who are passionate about the devotional and spiritual aspect of human sexuality, worship in the bedroom. Personally, ever since becoming a pro domme, I also regularly worship in the dungeon (yes, I worship too, even though I am the top, more on this in part 2!).
Have you ever taken a spiritual approach to BDSM or sex in general? Let us know in the forum!
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