Devina is submissive. Dominik is dominant. For the two of them this is something quite normal. These traits are part of their characters and therefore cannot be limited to their sex life. BDSM is part of their everyday life - the everyday life of an S&M relationship. We asked the couple (alias SMart) about their experiences and got exciting answers.
The everyday life of an S&M relationship
What does it mean to live out BDSM not only in the bedroom, but to integrate it into your everyday life?
Dominik: For many couples, S&M is just a role play that they act out in bed. For others, S&M is a part of everyday life - although the degrees of intensity can be very different. We live S&M permanently, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. For us, S&M is everyday life and more than just a sexual preference. It is a philosophy of life.
What does a typical day in an S&M relationship look like?
Devina: Our day starts with the alarm clock ringing. Dominik decides when we get up. While I set the breakfast table, Dominik gets the newspaper. We clear the table together and the dishes are done by a dishwasher. While Dominik looks at what's planned for the day, I feed our pets. Then we go to work or other appointments - so really not much different from other couples.
Having an S&M relationship doesn't mean that the master lies on the couch while the slave cleans around him all day and has no will of her own. It is more like this: I like to get up and bring him a glass of wine when he is lying on the couch. And then I lie down at his feet - not at his side.
Equality despite dominance: voluntariness and communication are important
So there is a clear division of tasks. What about equality?
Dominik: Yes, we have a clear division of tasks. For example, she shakes the beds in the evening and I set the alarm clock. Since I know when we have to get up. She, on the other hand, knows to have me look over her outfit before she leaves the house. And if she needs money, she has me give it to her. I manage our finances.
That may not sound like equality, but there is equality when it comes to determining the division of tasks. I don't force Devina to do anything. Rather, we discuss everything that is important together.
Devina is a great help to me, because she constantly assists me. I only make the final decisions. A good example is our weekend planning. She researches different clubs and parties and I choose. Over time, this process has become very common in other areas of our lives as well. We don't have to constantly think about who can or can't do something.
Is an S&M relationship also allowed to influence personal decisions such as career choices?
Devina: Like any relationship, an S&M relationship may only go as far as both partners agree. We decided that Dominik has the final say in all decisions. However, Dominik also knows what I want and if not, he asks for my opinion.
In this respect, he would never have forced me into a job that didn't suit me. And here true greatness shows, because in many "normal" relationships one partner forces the other into certain roles. We have determined our roles freely and together. Nothing happens involuntarily.
And how do you argue when the Dom always has the last word?
Devina: I love to argue. When you argue properly, it can be a lot of fun. The fact that Dominik always has the upper hand in the end doesn't mean that I don't have the right to tell him clearly when I'm unhappy with a decision.
Dominik: I want Devina to grow and blossom in our relationship. For me, that is also a part of an S&M relationship. In this respect, a quarrel is a kind of feedback. A quarrel is an indication that something is going wrong. But I admit that sometimes it gets the better of me: Then I just get the gag and have my peace.
Drawing boundaries in an S&M relationship: contract or trust?
How do you find out where your personal boundaries lie?
Dominik: If Devina needs a cast after a session, I've definitely crossed boundaries. Jokes aside: What you can't imagine, you'd rather leave alone. If you can imagine it at some point, then you try it out.
I think it's a strength of S&M relationships that you communicate a lot with each other - especially about such topics as taboos, interests and curiosity. Only in this way can personal boundaries be defined and expanded over time.
Devina: A good Dom does not overwhelm a sub with his desires. He slowly introduces her to new things. He makes sure that new experiences are positive. Then subs are much more likely to get involved in new things.
Do you have a contract or special agreements that define these limits?
Dominik: At the beginning of the relationship, we talked a lot about our preferences, expectations and boundaries. Because everyone has boundaries. Many couples set up a contract to define boundaries. Others use a safeword to end a session when boundaries are crossed. We trust each other and consciously do without a contract or a safeword. For us, the boundaries are set by common sense and the clock. Because not every evening you have time and leisure for an extensive session.
Devina: A contract is also far too bureaucratic. In everyday life you already have enough paperwork. It's nice to be able to settle some things with trust. Dominik still has a written document, however, we have a framed deed of ownership hanging on the living room wall.
The positive reactions: From curious friends and public disclosure
How do parents, relatives and friends feel about your S&M relationship?
Devina: The more normal you deal with a situation, the more normal it seems. If you tell your grandma to her face, "By the way, this is my new master, who will whip me every night from now on," you don't have to be surprised if the family reacts worriedly.
And of course, you should ask yourself whether the parents even want to be informed down to the last detail. Do parents really want to know what the children are doing in bed at night? I don't think so. Nevertheless, you should not deny your relationship, of course. My mother knows to some extent about our preference for S&M and, after initial skepticism, is very happy with her future son-in-law.
As for my friends, I never received any negative reactions when I came out to them. Most were rather interested and a few were so curious that they now go to fetish parties with us.
How do you live out your S&M passion in public?
Devina: Actually, we also live out our special form of relationship in public, but without clear signs like permanent collar wearing or harsh commanding tone. Some of our rules can be easily followed in public without anyone noticing. For example, I don't start eating until Dominik has taken his first bite. Do you pay attention to the order in which couples start eating? Exactly, neither do we.
The negative reactions: Prejudices are unfortunately widespread
That all sounds very uncomplicated. Do you also get negative reactions?
Dominik: Negative reactions usually only come from people who don't know us closely. Prejudices against S&Mlers are unfortunately widespread and often there is no interest in overcoming them. But that is also okay. For example, I am suspicious of people who wear real furs. I don't want to get to know them better either.
What do you think about people who think your way of life is not "normal" or even perverted?
Dominik: Perverted is only what I force on another person against their will. Devina does not seem unhappy in her position as a sub. On the contrary, she wants to be my sub.
But sure, S&M is unfortunately not generally considered as "normal". As with all other things that are not obvious to most at first glance, it is easy to demonize them. Such things are easier to label as deviant than to show tolerance and accept it even against one's own convictions.
Thank you very much for the interview.
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