Masochism is defined as the tendency to receive sexual gratification from your own pain or humiliation, it’s a common kink that falls under the BDSM umbrella and is typical amongst those who enjoy submitting in the bedroom. However, you do not necessarily need to be in a Dom/sub relationship to enjoy exploring masochism.
Why do we like pain?
Masochism might sound pretty hard core, but exploring masochistic fantasies could include anything from a little light spanking and hair pulling, to more advanced erotic humiliation play.
Physical pain, such as being spanked, choked or having your hair pulled, for example, can push blood flow out of the brain, giving us a fuzzy, floaty feeling, that within the BDSM world is commonly known as 'Sub Space'. When we enter this altered state of consciousness, our pain threshold can change, and even disappear completely, allowing our bodies to process physical pain differently, making us more tolerant of those sensations.
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In this state, we must be careful though, and ensure we have safewords and protocols in place so that hard limits and boundaries are not crossed. Make sure you agree on a safeword and check in regularly with your partner(s) to ensure you are both enjoying yourselves.
Masochism don’t always have to be about physical acts, in fact, many BDSM practices are fantasy-based, meaning anticipation of the acts is enough to get you aroused. Engaging in fantasy play instead of the real thing can also be a much safer way to fulfil your masochistic fantasies. For example, if erotic choking sounds hot to you, simply a hand around the neck without any real pressure can be enough to satisfy the masochist – this is called a fantasy choke. That way, you’re not risking doing any real damage, but you can still explore the role play in a fun and safe way.
For some, it’s more about the degrading feeling than the physical act itself that feels so deliciously good. So if physical pain isn’t your thing, there are plenty of other ways to explore masochistic tendencies…
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Role Play (TW: Consensual-non-consent)
Ever loved the idea of being tied up and fucked by a stranger, fucking your landlord when you’ve missed your rent payment, or being spanked by the headmistress for being a naughty student? Well, you’re not alone. Role play like this can feed into our desire to be degraded and humiliated because they’re so taboo.
Consensual-non-consent is a type of role play whereby one partner (the masochist) is "forced" to do things against their will. Of course, everything within these role plays is discussed and agreed upon beforehand, but it gives the masochist that sense of total loss of power, surrendering to their partner completely. These role plays usually involve power play, with one person taking on the more authoritative role and the other the more submissive role.
During these types of role plays, the psychological arousal is just as important as the physical. In order to believe the fantasy, we must really tap into the mind of our partner to feed those masochistic fantasies.
Using language as a mindfuck
Anyone can experiment with a spank, a choke or a hair pull, but our words are some of our most powerful tools when it comes to BDSM and context and tone of voice goes a long way when wanting to degrade or humiliate our partner.
So what does this involve? Using language as a form of erotic humiliation is about making the masochist blush at the thought of what is being said. This could include name calling, explicitly telling someone all the naughty things you are going to do to them and getting them to ask or beg for those things to be done to them.
And using this type of dirty talk as a form of humiliation can start way before the bedroom too. It’s such a simple tool that can be used as foreplay and anticipation leading up to a role play or S&M scene. Pro tip: For those who are shy about taking on their new role, try sexting or voice noting to build your confidence!
As always in BDSM, the different sensations, fantasies, and words you use should always be discussed prior to any play – what one person finds sexy could be a total dealbreaker for another, so be sure to explore your limits and boundaries together before diving into masochism play.
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